Tommy Siegel — 7.1

The future is here.  If you haven’t heard of this gum already, it’s billed as a ‘flavor-shifting’ gum, and it lives up to its promise.  For the first twenty seconds, an impossible-to-identify citrus flavor engulfs your mouth before gradually sliding into a brisk spearmint (with the help of some strange, chemical-filled grains).  Unfortunately, both flavors are mediocre — The citrus element only lasts for a few chews, and the mint is lacking some serious bite.  This gum is still a long way away from the Everlasting Gobstopper depicted in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but it looks like some researchers are hard at work to improve the ‘flavor-changing’ gum experience.**  So while this gum is a noteworthy development in the history of gum (akin to Radiohead’s transformation between OK Computer and Kid A…Or Cuba Gooding Jr’s metamorphosis from being in good movies to being in shitty movies), it’s certain to be dwarfted by future gums.  Also, those flavor pellets in the gum that burst as you chew are very, very unsettling.

**We should probably note that though scientists are very close to accomplishing a three-course gum meal, there’s still no cure for malaria. 

Tommy Siegel — 4.1

Let’s cut to the chase: This one is a little girly.  Unlike some of the other mint/fruit combination gums, this gum’s flavor consists mostly of a grossly-exaggerated strawberry, with only mild hints of mint (presumably a gum for those with a sweet tooth who still want a stranger to make out with them at their high school dance).  Recommended for girls who look like Pippi Longstocking or Raggedy Ann. 

Tommy Siegel - 9.5

I’ve never been so drunk.  After a few chews, I was immediately transported to a Madrid nightclub, where I spent the night guarding my drink from an over-zealous Spaniard with a penchant for spanish flies.  I would beg for money to fly me back home, but the mint here is fresh, the white rum is strong, the beaches are beautiful, and the women all have unintentionally tantalizing lisps.  The following is a wish list for future alcohol-flavored gums:
1. Pabst Chew Ribbon
2. Dirty Martini gum (I eagerly await the obvious pleasures of
olive-flavored gum)
3. Russian Potato Vodka gum (no chaser)
4. Microwave-friendly Sake gum (for warmth)
5. 4 Loko gum (for those still dealing with withdrawal symptoms)
Thanks, Wrigley/Orbit!
Sincerely,
Gumblr™

Tommy Siegel - 3.2

I approach the rocky cliffs of the mountain of the kiwi god, scantily cloaked in beaver pelts, my silver shield glinting in the dawn.  The hours of vertical rock-climbing have taken their toll, rendering me faint and shaking as I approach the mouth of the kiwi cave, guarded by a horned watermelon with seven arms and an appetite for small blondes.  I collapse on the ground, drooling and muttering in an ancient tongue.  I awake hours — possibly days — later in the belly of the mountain cave, an intravenous drip of kiwi juice providing me with sustenance.  The kiwi god stands with his arms akimo in the cave opening, glaring through his non-prescription Carrera®©™ sunglasses and tapping his sleek, alligator-skin Steve Madden®©™ boots, his mouth smelling strongly of Taco Bell®©™.  I tell him of my flirtation with Juicy Fruit’s Sugarfree Sweet Fruit 60-pack®©™ and he stares silently, listening to my tales of artificial kiwi tittilation.  When I finish my tale, he banishes me to the mountains of aspartame for 700 years with Tea Party heart-throb Christine O’Donnell®©™ as my guide as punishment for worshiping false fruit gods —- And though I am disappointed by his hard-line pronouncement against a high profile contributor to the Gumblr®©™ community such as myself, I respect that his judgment was fair and swift.  This gum, after all, kinda sucks.

Ben T. Hornewill

0.0

Aside from a few collegiate unmentionables this is the most vile thing that has ever been in my mouth. Every ounce of my animal nature is urging me not to swallow. Screaming at me through gag reflexes and instantindigestion to spit this juicy jenkum out of my mouth and curse its creators. Why would you do this to me G*m Gods?  It burns, it stings, it repulses and rapes my taste buds.  To get more specific - the picture of the gum is a slice of key lime pie with two (s)lime slices and two whipped cream puffs with another lime slice tittytapping between them - this is gum for G*ms sake!  If i wanted pie I would f*ck*inggetaslice. And if i did want pie - i would never get key slime.  Pardon the graphic nature of the whippedcreamlime description and thewordcombination, but how else am i to get across how much this gum is in bad taste?  Let me try this:

Wrigley’s Extra Dessert Delights Key Lime Pie IS TO Original Bazooka Bubble Gum 

AS

Rand Paul IS TO Abraham Lincoln

OR AS

Snuff Films ARE TO Gone With The Wind

Bubble Blasphemy.  

World, I doublebubbledare you to make a worse tasting gum. 

NOTE:

See Tommy’s excellent and glowing review of this gum below. 

Ben T. Hornewill  7.8

My goodness how tastetacular.  Love comes in a small white-speckled sky-blue gum.  We, as reviewers too quickly grab for the gregarious - the gaudy gums - and gummy gallimaufry.  Such gums provides for us instant material.   Too loud! Too tutti! Too fruity!  But oh! Trident - the gum of our mothers. It is not the great adventure of our lives but a home cooked meal in a gummy world of exotic eats and fast food feasting.  We must send thanks to Poseidon’s great staff!  Though on second thought, perhaps I am slightly mistaken in this gum’s etymology.  Regardless,  I recommend this gum to the fullest; for its taste, for its texture and for all the things that make gum great! Not to mention, “Chewing trident, which contains xylitol, helps flight cavities”.  Praise G-m. 

Tommy Siegel - 5.1

A minor flavor victory by the nefarious chemists behind Easy Mac, Corn Nuts, Mallomars, Velveeta, and A-1 Steak Sauce (Yes — like all of those semi-edible items, Trident is also owned by the inter-planetary corporate hegemony known to all of us as Kraft).  Contrary to what the packaging might boast, you should still brush your teeth regularly. 

Tommy Siegel - 0.0

I’ve never been so bored.  In this instance, Wrigley’s attempt at boutique ‘hipster gum’ is so uninspired and middle-of-the-road that it somehow seems worse than a truly bad gum.  Not only is it a dull knock-off of Bazooka, but there’s no comic inside and it’s too filmy to blow bubbles with.  I would rather try to blow bubbles with chewing tobacco.  Wrigley, I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.  I was tempted to embed a video, but I politely abstained FROM DOING SO. 

Ben T. Hornewill - 2.4

ZING? More like SUCK! How bland and boring is this gum? Usually the taste kick of a gum propels me to write something in strange tongues - or as tommy says “a foreigner who has a really amazing english vocabulary”. But this gum gives me nothing but a bad case of the borings; it just tastes like regular old sugar free crap. I keep waiting for the zing - and the only thing that is zinging is the gum as I throw it out the window.   

Ben T. Hornewill - 7.8

I have never been so cold. My tongue is stuck on a million frozen telephone poles and the weather is not letting up. My throat is a luge and arctic vikings are entertaining them selves with a new luge track and a number of large icelandic women are playing a rousing game of curling on the back of my tongue.  Thank goodness I chewed this gum in texas or else i would have become a remarkably accurate ice sculpture of myself from the inside out (how embarrassing!)  What a mess melting would have been - and in my best suit!   I recommend this gum for the strong willed and very warm; those looking for an escape from their own personal endless summer or anyone stuck in any ring of hell (we must not be too discerning - this gum is marketed for the masses!).  This gum is for the heat incline and may even provide a quick antidote for the spontaneously combustible. 

Tommy Siegel - 7.5

Though it’s hard to create a truly ‘bad’ mint gum, it seems equally difficult to separate from the pack as an exemplary chew.  Like a runaway Alaskan Husky, Dentyne’s “Ice Arctic Chill” has separated itself from the path of the Iditarod and is currently freezing to death in the Alaskan wilderness somewhere between Anchorage and Nome, gnashing its teeth for warmth and eating pine bark for sustenance.  We at Gumblr® wish the lost, freezing dog good luck.  He has served our taste buds well. 

R.I.P Jesse Kristin - 10/10/2010 - At approximately 1:15 am Jesse Kristin froze to death from procrastinating on this gum review and chewing Dentyne Ice Arctic Chill in Omaha, Nebraska.

Tommy - 8.2

Somehow this remarkable gum has managed to simulate creamy lime filling, graham cracker crust and whipped cream topping using only a couple-dozen eerily-named compounds from various New Jersey industrial chemical plants. Which chemical, when isolated, tastes like lime? The hydrogenated starch hydrolysate? The acesulfame? Or could it be the combination of fumaric acid and phenylalanine? I can’t decide if this flavor revolution is cause for celebration or a sign of our impending biological doom. Twenty years from now, will we be slaves to a crypto-fascist government that feeds us only flavored gum and injects us with daily vitamin supplements? Will our bleak Thanksgiving dinners in underground bunkers be composed only of turkey and cranberry sauce-flavored gum, arranged neatly on styrofoam saucers? Will we get to choose which color jumpsuits we wear? Will the tubes we travel to work in be sufficiently greased? In summation, Wrigley Extra’s Dessert Delights: Key Lime Pie™ is an accurately-flavored gum almost good enough to outweigh the long-term consequences of a handful of cancer-causing chemicals within (Cheers to you, BHT, aspartame, and Blue #1).  Who knew the path to future enslavement by a corporate/fascist oligarchy could be so delicious?